Thoughts ON:
Homesickness and love
Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what I am doing, why am I here, and am I missing out on true love. Of course, the reoccurring reality of life, is we are always wondering if we are missing something. Once away from home, our homes become more appealing, leaping from bouts of reality to bouts of sweet dreams and we concentrate on the best of times. Our hearts ache for home as we chat with family and learn about the life we left. And while in a new place, without romantic love, we feel incomplete and question everything. I just wonder if I am REALLY missing an opportunity to love one decent person the way they love me.
Family
As I sat down and talked to my flat mate for lunch, we explored every opinion. Every disappointment, joy, pleasure and misunderstanding of life, reality, and sex. Similar in understanding; the innocent yet profound chatting was covered in laughter, mystery, and fatigue. And for a spilt moment I confessed my intentions of finding and discovering new heights as he brought me crushingly aware of the darkness from which I was trying to escape. Dictated by my own ambitions, I had momentarily forgot my forth comings, like a baby who lost its crib. My family is, and has been, depressed. It's like a weed. Somewhere someone birthed a weed and it continued to grow. Entrapping and entangling my family in a web of depression. Over decades and decades it grew until the whole family line found itself surrounded in
Domestic Violence
People often wonder what is the harm of a small slap, a small hit on the wrist, a jealous momemt, or a shake. It's not always the physical harm. those come and go...like scabs on the knees of children in the playground. But it is the emotional wound that is everlasting. Like a bruise, a large black scar, it stays within the persons heart...blocking and threatening any advance toward completeness. Those of us see it in a women’s eyes, her inability to love completely again, her fear and mistrust of something good, the cold hard ice forming around her heart, her timid posture. The signs are clear. While the physical bruises have faded, the words, the emotions, the trauma to self-esteem stay and hold strong to her. I am not sure there is any escape from emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. No escape from memories, no heater to melt away the pain, but rather a void...created from years of disbelief/self-denial, recognition, guilt, and a commitment to never be victim again.
Sensuality
Steve Harvey’s book was released last year and started the buzz around the idea of when to have sex . Keep a guy waiting for 3 months for the “cookie jar” and the one who stays around is the one who’s really interested. It makes sense, common sense, but after three months what is there to gain except a potentially satisfying end to a three month long foreplay game and growing awkwardness around finally getting around to “doing it.” I feel that if someone chooses to wait to “get to know each other” or not… sensuality must play a huge part in a healthy and sexually satisfying relationship. Most everyone is focused on the main goal, penetration. Like everything else is just icing on the cake. Actually, I realized that’s what I have been doing wrong. Like the famous quotes goes “It’s not the destination, but the journey.” So what now?
What to do with all this in-between time? This waiting for each other stuff. Put quite simply…this time should be dedicated to getting to know you sensually time. What makes first times between some virgins so great is the carefully planning, discussion, and communication that happens before the first time. My first and I spent countless hours reading, discussing, and getting to know each other’s bodies before we finally shared that special moment. And that special moment was worth the wait.So now… getting to know each other sensually means everything from understanding how your partner reacts to the gently sucking of their toes, to the soft caress of your tongue against their neck, to the hot spots stimulated that make for mind blowing orgasms. In order to avoid the awkward afterward conversation of a first time “Did you enjoy it/ Did you come?” (Questions by the way, most women hate, they will let you know) Know the answers by knowing each other’s body. Spend time finding ways to bring each other to complete satisfaction –emotionally and physically- without penetration and sex will be all the more enjoyable. It all comes down to open lines of communication, dedication, and commitment to spending time together sensually. Make sex the icing on the cake and sensual foreplay the cake.
Trees
Trees are the most wondrous things on this earth. One of the few things that give and take life, that can die a million times, bury their soul so deep during the winter, only to resurface to life again. Like a depressed bipolar human finding themselves riding on the endless waves of emotion. To love, to laugh, to hurt, to cry, to commit suicide, to be reborn. Sometimes trees remind us of immortality, of the wonder of reincarnation, and then to the bitter realization that all things come to an
Past Love:
I’ve romanticized you in my dreams. In distant memories of when we were together. The man I loved last, the one I wished to spend my life with, and the full and yearning tears that fell. And the nights I spent outside your door in love-stricken torture. Every day I find your photo, smiling, happiness spread across your eyes. And I question why I
Fear
I'm afraid of most things. I just find that courage speaks to me a bit louder.
God and Fear
Initially, I get chocked up with every decision I make about life, about location, about love, about work, about walking out the door and going somewhere new-solo. But the difference is I move. I find that with ever fear conquered, life gets that much less complicated, that much less scary, and that much more exciting. But the depths of fear are only something I acknowledge, while courage and strength run a bit stronger in my blood. It is said, we can do all things through God. If this is true, then fear is like the lasso sowed to capture the cow and our feet move in total faith, that wherever we may be, God, is there to guide us. In these moments, fear becomes less of a feeling, less of a light in our lives, and more of a whimper child- reminding us there is danger around. While we shift through obstacles, willfully pursuing, that which some call courage- but which I call destiny.
But regardless...This holds true: Whether I fear, whether I question- the answer is always: Forward.
WHY
Perhaps it should be a poem. But I perfer it here:
Every time I sit and wonder
About questions or about religion
I find myself here
Confessing my longings and desires- to answer the questions in my head, where before, I was content with not knowing
Life is lived in a daze of worried confusion
Where should I find my way, which path to follow?
Where will my last breath, my last thought take me when it is all through?
We ask to live in the moment, glimpses of fairy tales and battered hungriness
And our wishes are only met by moments
Like waves against the cliff side
Hanging on to life, the gentle tree limb pushing against gravity
Lives of quite satisfaction and desperation to understand the greater meaning of this life
Here- buried deep into society’s expectations
I see the world, my answers, and my questions- floating around me – barley reachable
Out of touch, to brace it, to glaze it- would be wonderful. But yet I am here
Grounded, wet, damp, pushing against time and every day is minus one
The questions continue unanswered, and the bitter state of worry overtakes me
As my confessions of discovery, find themselves empty-handed in the truth of glorious expectations
If all were know to us, if all were like the pages on a book, the visible lines that seduce our thoughts at night
Would we find ourselves gods among this land, drifting endlessly between dimensions
In dazed and confused mindsets, question nothing, but knowing all. would this knowledge seduce us or make us strong?
But for me, this moment is ok. I have answered my questions with acceptance. Believing that the way to salvation- is a good heart- a good mind- good intentions
And most of all, Understanding the profound implications of WHY
Silence
There are moments in my life, where I feel, for better or for worst Silenced. Like I have hid inside myself the great capacity for voice, for song, for poetry, for words spoken on a stage somewhere deep inside a far away land. Traded all of my heavenly gifts for the comfort of financial security and a clear career path. But even as I sit here, deeply satisfied with all things love and all things adventure. I find myself, restless in thought, consumed by a deep longer, to burst into song and live out a fantastic dream of self-expression.
Fairytales
We are all looking for love. On some spectacular and painful journey until we find it. Our souls crying with painful recognition that for so long it has been alone, only to be reunited again. We search on countless websites, countless bars, churches, universities, careers to find that one person who makes us come alive. There are moments within this search where we feel so alive. Where the chemical balance we call love lifts us up to fall. We find our heart skipping beats and our mind pre-occupied. The weight of the sun's glare has never been so divine. yet, as time passes, the fairy tale ends. It's cycles through abusive stages of love, fighting, love, fighting, and then find some kind of contentness or a tragic end. Love is like that. The dimensions of the soul. From deep, to light, to lonely, to frigidly. It embraces our desires only to send them back, crushingly aware that this fairy tale will end. My love has thus far been jaded. With lies, infidelity, abuse, distrust, unaffectionate, I’ve seen it all in stages. From the way a man who truly loves you looks at you, to the way men who is torn between two choices looks at you, to a way a man out for a good time looks at you. At last, they all give meaning to something in my life. They all sprout buds of memories and fear, maybe recognition, maybe a gift to see what can and can not be. But so far, I have been jaded. Deeply smitten with distrust and fear. The best loves of my life are my best friends, but when we slip, into shady territory, territory that combines passion with love. I find myself backed into a corner. waiting to spill my guts about my life and fighting every temptation not to believe. We say, we can not always be in love. That love involves a falling and a coming out and either way you are scared with deep affection afterward. But it’s in these moment when his eyes meet mine and I see something different that I panic. That every defense guard comes up and I desire to run, to mess things up, just to go. That deep insecurity in me is something I fear and value most. It protects me at the same time it limits me. But I can see no alternative. It is a necessary evil in all too cruel world, build around a fairytale we all call love.
If I could quantify every moment I felt like this it would definitely be more than I expect to make on a modest salary in a lifetime. Or rather, it would exemplify everything that normality consists. Like a broken wing, and a bird fallen from grace. I sense the endless wondering and battle between mind, ego, self. Captured in a never ending circle of confusion, I hold myself there. It’s all matched to how I perceive other’s of perception me. My mood can change from happy and proud, to shamed. As if my actions, just moments before; made me hero and then struck me down to nothing, to a child. I am most affected by those close to me, without a ringing bell of praise I quickly crumble into self-doubt. Ego, it must be, is founded upon how other’s shape you and demand you to be. I should be…in most cases, very proud. Hopeful and confident that I had the balls to quickly fulfill my selfish desires.
But I think it is only true success…if I a reach goals in humble silence and let my actions speak for itself. If I find myself in self approval and accept who the Self is, who the Ego is, and confront the scary and blind darkness which is Self. It’s is “mine” echoes through my head as I seek comfort. Addicted to all things that ask for a roller coaster of emotion and trapped in loneness. Seeking understanding from others, but not from Self. As for now, I prefer to seek the company of solitude rather than the unwelcome and bitter awareness of being silenced in a group. So while alone…I gentle ask myself….where is truth? Where did my little voice go? That voice I have ignored for so long. Once a strong believer in my unconscious mind, I have found it stifled, and covered in layers and layers of Ego and self-doubt.
I know I am not the only one. I can see in others from time to time. They way someone sits when they are sitting next to space and looking at people. The way their expression and energy changes when one person sits next to them, paying them some attention. Ego is like that.
The coward acts of love
It wasn’t before or after that I felt myself fall. But it was in between. In between everything that sprang from memory and everything the grabbed at my heart in the countless “good times”. I found myself dangling in everything that had brought me to a rash decision and all of my disappointments. My heart entangled itself inside my chest and I puffed air and imagined scenarios. Living in the present moment, I feel almost defeated. That my shameless and adventurous love was unrequited. Unrequited and later abused.
As If I was running in a silly folly, chasing my dreams around the world. To find you there. Waiting for me with flowers in your hands. A kiss on the cheek. A warm and bashful heart. And maybe as confused intentions as mine. But I set the pace by silence, I dwelled in my thoughts on the past and the future. I took for granted the time here and finally I decided I was done.
Mistake of silence? The best decision? After months of thinking and years of dreaming…it became very clear. My cowardice has been met by cowardice and turned into misunderstanding and fear. Everything is personal, everything works against and for me. As we fly through years totally in love, out of love, just love, and find ourselves in this moment…..
I sit down, lip sealed, writing my every confession….as if the wind could carry it to your ears. I felt madly in love with you, more than the love I put on, and as time fades and my heart speaks a little softer, questioning the best decision of silence…my lips part ways.
Whisper half truths, and pray for your understanding. While cowardly I dream of lives with you but not together. I have given up this wild goose chase of love I felt for you. This wild adventure to be with you, to see where my silence and yours could take us. RISK, they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained…but also nothing lost.
Perhaps my greatest regret…would be believing you’d understand.
Read Between the Lines
Ranging in endless emotions I find myself here
Anticipating some reaction from you
Glowing with love unspoken and truths all too well know. Who was
I to believe that anything could be different and who was I to believe we would never
Part, Perfection was friendship but I could no longer hide who I am. I love you
Keenly and innocently. But if this goes no where, than I can accept the friendship we share.....
Unrequited I put you at a disadvantage.
Merely to save face. I should
Really believe that as a friend you would understand me, understand
Us. I puff away on a cigarette…
Languishing in my emotions. Conflicted and
A bit insecure. Friendship or no friendship. I confess…it is better to unveil myself, to
Reveal who I am.
Thoughts on Inspiration and Life Goals
What inspires me to be all that I can be?
What inspires me to strive toward something greater than myself?
It comes from stories
Stories written and hidden in the countless pages and links of the web
It is here that I search for inspiration and I find my calling
I ask, how can I, so young, so poor
Struggling to repay student loans and go back to school
Find a way to even consider life beyond my circumstances
To find the strength and unwavering belief
That if I do X, Y and Z
I will be successful enough to find a way
To help others
Someone said I must have a dream
I must know exactly what I want
Breathe, sleep, and eat what I desire
And take the necessary steps
And believe with all certainty the universe will create a way
But be smart
Not all paths are good paths
And not all gold shines until you dig in the mud
It is not laying there for you
On diamond paved streets with wise men
Tuning to your every question
It is somewhere
Floating in the universe of ideas
Waiting for you, my dear, to find it
To visualize it’s coming down to earth
And replacing your long thought doubts
With visions
With dreams
The State of Now
I sat there considerable longer than usual.
It was time to think. I hadn't been doing much of that lately
I'd just been going with motions, with routines, caught inside a state
of something less grim than death but less spiritual than life.
I felt it carouse around me
fingers to toes.
It haunted me to feel so empty
to not recognize what was going on
emerging from this state
I felt weak, distracted, I felt uncomfortable
the best bring it out in me
when they challenges my conception of self
they challenge my idea that I take risks
and question where I am going and Why I have taken two steps back
not forward
but that's what happens when you listen to that little voice
"what if"
I'm not saying the "what if you tried and succeeded" but the
"what if you tried and failed, do you want to make the same mistakes?"
but what are the same mistakes if you are doing something different than before
how can a generalized act be tied into a collision of actions
all grouped together
one trip to Portugal is not the same as one trip to Spain or Greece
or Morocco
This travel idea does not always produce the same results
they are all different
all unique and full of endless possibilities
But i take a breath wanting to explode into a solution
for my restlessness
and all I come up with is"if it is right, it would feel right"
but what lame excuse is this when we are so influenced by our thoughts?
really, somethings Rick feels right when Tommy feels wrong
but Tommy feels right when Alex feels wrong
there are no easy solutions
but I guess
thinking now...that is always a gut reaction to things
but I go about doing something different anyway
I am embarrassed by my lack of progress in the way I thought i would
expecting the world to open up to me easily
and for me to organize my life into making time
like the rest of them to do something different
but O mostly spend my afternoons under the glaze of Parks and Recreation Reruns
enjoying the solitude of nothingness and making quesadillas with cheese and salt
thinking of Zach and wondering when he will decide to be with me
and thinking of all the things I could be doing, but waiting until the excuse of darkness
limits my ability to go into the "environment" in which I can only write
because obviously there is no where else to write but coffee shops...you get it?
so note to self- I hate indecision and laziness because they are a direct part of me
just like adventure.
I am an adventurist laziest who complains of not having enough of one
and constantly denying the other
at least that puzzle is solved.
