When Moments Strike

I found myself here...sipping tea at work and watching YouTube videos of inspirational quotes and how one can find their path in life.
Just yesterday...I had taken in the whims of the day and found myself happy and refreshed. Something I have not experienced in awhile.
Then today, as I type the words drink coffee and smoke...I find myself
filled with an empty desire
an impatient desire to find myself where I want to be
as if my lack of answers could lead me closer
I am looking for worldly possessions
Wondering how a car, how a place of my own, how a night class or three could
assist me in my true climb to feeling satisfied
I saw myself in a middle aged lesbian yesterday
While watching the "Kids are Alright"
I saw myself successful, selfish, depressed, and controlling
I let my beer glass fall onto the counter
as I watched with amazement of how much this
middle aged lesbian was me. Who I could become.
Seeing yourself in the mirror you can not help to be shaken
we all carry such high opinions of ourselves
stack ourselves against unrealistic human standards
and desire to rebel against the intuition.
I guess I should get back to work.
sip my green tea and dream of cigs and coffee
somewhere with an ocean view front
on my porch, computer in hand
maybe paintbrush
and content with my selfish moment
in my imagined life.