Black Widow

Spiders have never been a sex symbol
But for me
They have become
It is like the black widow beckons to me
Against tradition
Against better thought
Trapped between her legs
I struggle with self
But oh are her red lips calling me
To kiss
To doubt

Restricted

Restricted
I am not sure when the transition happened
Yesterday I was holding handlebars
Eating chocolate cake
Wiping the blood from my small knee wound
And now I am here
Dedicated to sitting
And waiting for something to happen
Checking Facebook, Youtube, updates on the Bay
And my young heart is jumping for 5pm
Jumping to dance in this cubical
To feel the soft carpet underneath my toes
To find a companion to play
It was only yesterday that I was watching the latest shows
Eating organic fruit smoothies and watching my weight
Complaining period cramps for PE class
And ditching school to rush to taco bell
Peter was with me, we made love, and I cried
It was only yesterday when emotions could grapple me
And now I am here 4:32
It is silent
Near Christmas time
My studio sits bare and cold
The yogurt is covered with pizza and my bank account is sad
Peter has a wife
And Todd hasn’t called
I spent my last hope on my student loans
And now it’s 4:52

The shadow of Men's Lies

The shadows of men’s lies
Echoes off the sides of my brain
Bouncing from empty space to empty space
Memories filled with tired hope and dried tears
I am exhausted
It’s fighting a losing game
Waiting for salvation, for forgiveness, for love
I am afraid
I have fought too many battles
And my tired heart can not pump with vigor anymore
These lies take me places I’ve never wanted to go
From heartbreak, to hope, to the depths of my spirituality
Struggling free of webs, hiding behind shadows
Hiding behind infidelity
It is you
You Lies
You trembling, unplanned, inerasable lies
That falls suspiciously on my eyes
The shadow’s of men’s lies
Have caught me
Taken me away

...........................Addicted to Dreams...........................

We are all living in our own worlds
Those who have embraced the breath of travel
We listen to the music that reminds of another time
Fall asleep to the melody of adventure
We see images and people from our past
And fall into their arms
Like addicts in the pathways of life
We selfishly search for that feeling again
It is those of us have experienced travel
Who are shuffling discontented in this modern world
Our time is spent searching for a way out
Passing through the halls and streets
Floating pass life totally detached from the moment
Our icy breaths
Our shaking hands
Our puffs of cigarettes
The stories we tell strangers at bars
Echoes a life once lived in a far away place where we felt truly alive
It is only those of us who have traveled
who can understand what it feels like to be alone
and surrounded by the faces of our hometow family and friends

We are always living in our own world

When Moments Strike

I found myself here...sipping tea at work and watching YouTube videos of inspirational quotes and how one can find their path in life.
Just yesterday...I had taken in the whims of the day and found myself happy and refreshed. Something I have not experienced in awhile.
Then today, as I type the words drink coffee and smoke...I find myself
filled with an empty desire
an impatient desire to find myself where I want to be
as if my lack of answers could lead me closer
I am looking for worldly possessions
Wondering how a car, how a place of my own, how a night class or three could
assist me in my true climb to feeling satisfied
I saw myself in a middle aged lesbian yesterday
While watching the "Kids are Alright"
I saw myself successful, selfish, depressed, and controlling
I let my beer glass fall onto the counter
as I watched with amazement of how much this
middle aged lesbian was me. Who I could become.
Seeing yourself in the mirror you can not help to be shaken
we all carry such high opinions of ourselves
stack ourselves against unrealistic human standards
and desire to rebel against the intuition.
I guess I should get back to work.
sip my green tea and dream of cigs and coffee
somewhere with an ocean view front
on my porch, computer in hand
maybe paintbrush
and content with my selfish moment
in my imagined life.

The coward acts of love

It wasn’t before or after that I felt myself fall. But it was in between. In between everything that sprang from memory and everything the grabbed at my heart in the countless “good times”. I found myself dangling in everything that had brought me to a rash decision and all of my disappointments. My heart entangled itself inside my chest and I puffed air and imagined scenarios. Living in the present moment, I feel almost defeated. That my shameless and adventurous love was unrequited. Unrequited and later abused.
As If I was running in a silly folly, chasing my dreams around the world. To find you there. Waiting for me with flowers in your hands. A kiss on the cheek. A warm and bashful heart. And maybe as confused intentions as mine. But I set the pace by silence, I dwelled in my thoughts on the past and the future. I took for granted the time here and finally I decided I was done.
Mistake of silence? The best decision? After months of thinking and years of dreaming…it became very clear. My cowardice has been met by cowardice and turned into misunderstanding and fear. Everything is personal, everything works against and for me. As we fly through years totally in love, out of love, just love, and find ourselves in this moment…..
I sit down, lips sealed, writing my every confession….as if the wind could carry it to your ears. I felt madly in love with you, more than the love I put on, and as time fades and my heart speaks a little softer, questioning the best decision of silence…my lips part ways.
Whisper half truths, and pray for your understanding. While cowardly I dream of lives with you but not together. I have given up this wild goose chase of love I felt for you. This wild adventure to be with you, to see where my silence and yours could take us. RISK, they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained…but also nothing lost.
Perhaps my greatest regret…would be believing you’d understand.

The outskirts of Istanbul on the way to Sile (Black Sea Region).

Ok, so you have seen pictures of the blue mosque, Sultanahmet, and Taksim. The pictures that scream city center and tourism. But there’s more to Istanbul than the endless skyscrapers, great party life, mixed with a touch of ancient enthusiasm. Rather, Istanbul is a mixture of climates, lifestyles, and a true merger between East and West. This little video properly depicts what Istanbul is like outside the city center. It’s ideal for a first-time introduction.




More than anything....Please Notice the SKY.

A Play on Words

Unsurpassable depths
Unsurpassable depths to where I go
Following with mind, spirit, soul
Blindlessly leading
In the moment
To somewhere
Somewhere magical, spiritual, generously lavish
Decorated with sweat, sex, esteem, beautiful lips
Traveling by deathless glory, endless roads
But with sequencing silver spoons
Situated in the middle
Like rows of candy drops on a child’s tongue
I’m climbing, squeezing against the hard metal
For freedom, for circular wonders
To the clouds, sun, sky, to space- to reach
To ascend above, hovering around the world
Bird’s eye view of mistakes, of love, of true and burning passions
Endless roads is where I go, continuous journey- by choice
In the moment, gripping the spoon’s synthetic end
Countless sallow circular metal depths
A fantasy-surreal, cunning glee
A breeze of life, of true desire
Sensations tickle my toes, spread my legs, and breathe anticipation
Selfishly traveling to mountainous depths
With fire

789 342 6743 Call Me XO

I feel myself a certain aniexty
between the desire of my heart
my body
my mind
like forbidden fruit
I ponder endless possbilities
between me and you
Like a tiger
on the prowell
I feel myself guilty
of the deepest fantasies
free
Its free to roam
from dark places- to kitchen-to lights
its endless desire
endless love
and endless dance
beyond me
I sit in hot anticıpation
as my thoughts dance around endless possbilites
of me and you
and we lay
unbeknownst
to the fire that lies inside me
like a flame from self fulflled desires
places in dreams by you
and you are
so much of my mystery
like I am
so much of yours.

Tragic Love

There is one in my life
who I have loved for so long
loved, cried for, longed for, anguished over
and meddled in sweet dreams with
held tight as his blond hair wraps itself around my finger
there is nothing
nothing that could eloquently explain this
what we have is beyond language
beyond understanding
just tragic of sorts
for I love him as a whole
as a beautiful whole
with nothing untainted, nothing unexposed, nothing unsaid
I lay naked right in front of him
my heart on his table
my mind on his spoon
my body in his bed
and he consumes my every confession
five years of this in the making
summers, nights, weeks, months,
of love
floating between time, space, and distance
there is no way to describe this tragic love
but an instant in the moment when you look into my eyes
as they lay upon his
or the tears gently falling as we repeat our goodbyes
touched in disbelief
and the hopes and bitter reality of my expectations
and his
rather right or wrong
it is
naked reality, naked truth
handling itself most elegantly
in a bed full of love and broken dreams
there's only one man I love like this
and ever will

He

He beacons me to grow to my full potential
in exchange for loving him
while conditionally he speaks
in strange tongues
asking me if I would drop everything and follow him
in his eyes I am a business women
in his eyes, he will help me grow
just follow him and my full-potential will be
amidst dreams unfulfilled in reality
but flourishing in dreams
he tidies me with what ifs
and begs me for loyalty
but as my body years for his touch
I understand him in ways I wish I didn't
my mind, my soul, my heart says "don't"
There is no trust in me for him
no real understanding of his full extent
such a dark heart, such a heart unfamiliar to mine
such kind words spoken
and my wanderings;insecure in my future
always people tell me the clock is ticking
don't wonder aimlessly...while the clock for love is ticking
I fear you will become an old women: alone
tainted after so many lost loves
but back to... back to present moments
back to reality as I lay and type
he beacons me to reach my full potential with him
and I reject such notions- on fear on distrust on feelings to deep to describe
feeling lost,
I just want this moment
him here
me there
his hand resting gently on my ass
and me- staring blank into space,
breast cupped between the pillows
and his stanch stance bellows
in this moment
there is nothing but lust, nothing but comfort
nothing but him, I, and fact
I've become intoxicated with these moments
if love could be like these moments
I would embrace it like the warmth from the sun
and breath it in like the aroma of roses
But, I want to reach my full potential
where he fits
it's unknown
I leave that to fate.

Inspiration

Anytime I feel INSPIRATION
I find myself here
typing, wondering, lingering at my board
dream unfulfilled
like rain drops from an empty pool
fooling, pulling it's resources
dividing it equally
until every rain drops feel proud, whole of what was available
proud and whole as possible
it bounces with hopeless dreams from one pool to the next
foolishly running
without head
without palm
just legs sitting at a pew
It finds itself...lost within dreams, sweeter than now
as it lays incomplete, from which it's dreams
formed
finding reality...as much as the next
and concessions to what is real and what is dreamed
as this raindrop
I find myself
barley whole, barley new, barley beyond realization
that during these brief and bitter moments
of inspiration
I fill into the beauty of dreams
fill up...like powder milk and cheese
I dream and hope
observe and hope
and finally lay awake fantasizing
of things that make me happy.