Fearless

It's not that fear is not needed. That's not what being fearless is about. It is about the desire to continue on beyond the fear, beyond the reservations, beyond the "what ifs" and pursue a life you really love. Solitude has become a best friend of mine. It is from these silent visitations with myself that I discover what I am missing, what I am forgetting, what I yearn to do and become. Nothing in this life is perfect. There is no perfect love, no perfect career, no perfect desire, no perfect path in life. Rather life is composed of stumbles, pick ups, push ons, give ups, confusion, reassesment, companionship, learning, and passion. We can not neglect one part of life. Least we fall off our unbeaten paths into something called "routine". Routine is not horrible, but it is not perfect. It is the anti-innovation, the anti-happiness, the anti-discovery. In my solitude, that I slowly coming to enjoy and love, I find the answers were never clear. They were never written out in stone. Rather they are long drawn expectations of my past self and what drives me. The answer to "what should I do with my life?" is invisible. It is embedding in memory and driven by unmistakable passion.
My mother, a wonderful women, sat me down recently and said "Don't get into too much debt. It will force you to work. Force you to take what you can. You didn't go to college to settle." Although her issue was with debt. It helpped me refocus. It helpped me realize that I had fogotten my dreams of success and started focusing my dreams on lake front properties and cars. I had forgotten that by simply following my dreams I can have all this in tenfold if I were to just remain fearless.
If I were to just acknowledge my fears and keep pushing. I stopped pursuing International Relations right after I discovered the jobs were far and few inbetween. I stopped applying from fear of rejection and went with what I thought I could do, rather then what I wanted. Now sitting here, typing this long letter to my blog and to myself. I realize the first step in success is just doing.
Why not take the time and the plug to actively pursue my dreams and passions. They only thing that has stopped me thusfar is myself and the only thing that will keep me going is myself. If you want something bad enough, are fearless enough to pursue it, then it will happen. It will happen. But it will take fearless amounts of work and determination. But if life is not valued enough to put in the work for what you want; then what is life?

Black Widow

Spiders have never been a sex symbol
But for me
They have become
It is like the black widow beckons to me
Against tradition
Against better thought
Trapped between her legs
I struggle with self
But oh are her red lips calling me
To kiss
To doubt

Restricted

Restricted
I am not sure when the transition happened
Yesterday I was holding handlebars
Eating chocolate cake
Wiping the blood from my small knee wound
And now I am here
Dedicated to sitting
And waiting for something to happen
Checking Facebook, Youtube, updates on the Bay
And my young heart is jumping for 5pm
Jumping to dance in this cubical
To feel the soft carpet underneath my toes
To find a companion to play
It was only yesterday that I was watching the latest shows
Eating organic fruit smoothies and watching my weight
Complaining period cramps for PE class
And ditching school to rush to taco bell
Peter was with me, we made love, and I cried
It was only yesterday when emotions could grapple me
And now I am here 4:32
It is silent
Near Christmas time
My studio sits bare and cold
The yogurt is covered with pizza and my bank account is sad
Peter has a wife
And Todd hasn’t called
I spent my last hope on my student loans
And now it’s 4:52