Love arosed from Expectations

You are as much of a reality to me
As a dream, an expectation
I’ve wrapped you into my future
Created emotions around my thoughts
Filled you into a mold of possibilities
And relaxed you into my vision
You are as much of a reality to me
As in the instants when I feel your breath
Tingle words down my spine
I have composed a whole life with you
And stopped my heart from beating freely
But in this real moment
I live with you
And only you
Fighting against my expectations
I read a doomed future into our lives
Completed by what-ifs and selfish desires
But you are real
As real as it gets and my heart falls for you
As much as my mind creates a perfect picture

It's best to go

He loved me for no reason at all
as he opened up to the horrors of his past
filled with misfortune and self-defeating prophesies
Complete LifeTime movie dramas of deceit
and I laid there
eyes wide open with a certain horror
overtaking me as if his past could emulate the direct result of our future
taking on his past lovers' shame
I remained; diligently listening
running my fingers down his chest
and it came to me
selfishly
that it is best to go

I feel like I am being seen

I feel like I am being seen
So clearly by you
You echo the thoughts that once filled my mind
You are seeing right through me
To the atomic strings of truth that make music in your heart
And you understand the glorious gift of me to you
And the smell of my neck
Scented deep into your wounds
You understand me
For what I am
And love me
For no reason at all

Eyes

Do you have eyes to see?
To see right through expectations
Objects of desire and dreamed
But see deeply into a soul
To love unconditionally
To see the bad tides, good tides, lovely tides
And be infatuated with truth
Do you have eyes to see the genuine blessing
Of another’s company?
And the true worth of the pupils behind the eyes
To see
What you have in front of you
The vibration of another’s soul

An intimate moment

What if
While laying next to you
On grassy hills near creeks
And sounds of birds above
I find myself lost in a moment
Transcending time and space
My whole heart, body, and soul
Consumed by intuition
And between breaths of air
Tunnel vision leads to you
And I smile
Looking into your marvelous green eyes
Blushing
Your hands embracing my chin
What if in that moment
I lose myself
In the power of uncertainly
And the strength of risk
Hearing and feeling the whisper of the winds
Laying next to you
What if in that moment
We are consumed
With ideas of life together
And we feel so strong
Strong enough to obey whatever this is we feel
What if life was all meant for just that moment
When I find your soul speaking to mine
What would we do after?
After something so strong
It poetically melts into our minds
I am so afraid
Boxed away cowardly
But do you think
If this moment comes
After years of anticipation
Do you think we can handle it?
Purely, honestly, kindly
Do you think we will be brave?
Answer the call
Of uncertainty?

Fearless

It's not that fear is not needed. That's not what being fearless is about. It is about the desire to continue on beyond the fear, beyond the reservations, beyond the "what ifs" and pursue a life you really love. Solitude has become a best friend of mine. It is from these silent visitations with myself that I discover what I am missing, what I am forgetting, what I yearn to do and become. Nothing in this life is perfect. There is no perfect love, no perfect career, no perfect desire, no perfect path in life. Rather life is composed of stumbles, pick ups, push ons, give ups, confusion, reassesment, companionship, learning, and passion. We can not neglect one part of life. Least we fall off our unbeaten paths into something called "routine". Routine is not horrible, but it is not perfect. It is the anti-innovation, the anti-happiness, the anti-discovery. In my solitude, that I slowly coming to enjoy and love, I find the answers were never clear. They were never written out in stone. Rather they are long drawn expectations of my past self and what drives me. The answer to "what should I do with my life?" is invisible. It is embedding in memory and driven by unmistakable passion.
My mother, a wonderful women, sat me down recently and said "Don't get into too much debt. It will force you to work. Force you to take what you can. You didn't go to college to settle." Although her issue was with debt. It helpped me refocus. It helpped me realize that I had fogotten my dreams of success and started focusing my dreams on lake front properties and cars. I had forgotten that by simply following my dreams I can have all this in tenfold if I were to just remain fearless.
If I were to just acknowledge my fears and keep pushing. I stopped pursuing International Relations right after I discovered the jobs were far and few inbetween. I stopped applying from fear of rejection and went with what I thought I could do, rather then what I wanted. Now sitting here, typing this long letter to my blog and to myself. I realize the first step in success is just doing.
Why not take the time and the plug to actively pursue my dreams and passions. They only thing that has stopped me thusfar is myself and the only thing that will keep me going is myself. If you want something bad enough, are fearless enough to pursue it, then it will happen. It will happen. But it will take fearless amounts of work and determination. But if life is not valued enough to put in the work for what you want; then what is life?

Black Widow

Spiders have never been a sex symbol
But for me
They have become
It is like the black widow beckons to me
Against tradition
Against better thought
Trapped between her legs
I struggle with self
But oh are her red lips calling me
To kiss
To doubt

Restricted

Restricted
I am not sure when the transition happened
Yesterday I was holding handlebars
Eating chocolate cake
Wiping the blood from my small knee wound
And now I am here
Dedicated to sitting
And waiting for something to happen
Checking Facebook, Youtube, updates on the Bay
And my young heart is jumping for 5pm
Jumping to dance in this cubical
To feel the soft carpet underneath my toes
To find a companion to play
It was only yesterday that I was watching the latest shows
Eating organic fruit smoothies and watching my weight
Complaining period cramps for PE class
And ditching school to rush to taco bell
Peter was with me, we made love, and I cried
It was only yesterday when emotions could grapple me
And now I am here 4:32
It is silent
Near Christmas time
My studio sits bare and cold
The yogurt is covered with pizza and my bank account is sad
Peter has a wife
And Todd hasn’t called
I spent my last hope on my student loans
And now it’s 4:52

The shadow of Men's Lies

The shadows of men’s lies
Echoes off the sides of my brain
Bouncing from empty space to empty space
Memories filled with tired hope and dried tears
I am exhausted
It’s fighting a losing game
Waiting for salvation, for forgiveness, for love
I am afraid
I have fought too many battles
And my tired heart can not pump with vigor anymore
These lies take me places I’ve never wanted to go
From heartbreak, to hope, to the depths of my spirituality
Struggling free of webs, hiding behind shadows
Hiding behind infidelity
It is you
You Lies
You trembling, unplanned, inerasable lies
That falls suspiciously on my eyes
The shadow’s of men’s lies
Have caught me
Taken me away

...........................Addicted to Dreams...........................

We are all living in our own worlds
Those who have embraced the breath of travel
We listen to the music that reminds of another time
Fall asleep to the melody of adventure
We see images and people from our past
And fall into their arms
Like addicts in the pathways of life
We selfishly search for that feeling again
It is those of us have experienced travel
Who are shuffling discontented in this modern world
Our time is spent searching for a way out
Passing through the halls and streets
Floating pass life totally detached from the moment
Our icy breaths
Our shaking hands
Our puffs of cigarettes
The stories we tell strangers at bars
Echoes a life once lived in a far away place where we felt truly alive
It is only those of us who have traveled
who can understand what it feels like to be alone
and surrounded by the faces of our hometow family and friends

We are always living in our own world

When Moments Strike

I found myself here...sipping tea at work and watching YouTube videos of inspirational quotes and how one can find their path in life.
Just yesterday...I had taken in the whims of the day and found myself happy and refreshed. Something I have not experienced in awhile.
Then today, as I type the words drink coffee and smoke...I find myself
filled with an empty desire
an impatient desire to find myself where I want to be
as if my lack of answers could lead me closer
I am looking for worldly possessions
Wondering how a car, how a place of my own, how a night class or three could
assist me in my true climb to feeling satisfied
I saw myself in a middle aged lesbian yesterday
While watching the "Kids are Alright"
I saw myself successful, selfish, depressed, and controlling
I let my beer glass fall onto the counter
as I watched with amazement of how much this
middle aged lesbian was me. Who I could become.
Seeing yourself in the mirror you can not help to be shaken
we all carry such high opinions of ourselves
stack ourselves against unrealistic human standards
and desire to rebel against the intuition.
I guess I should get back to work.
sip my green tea and dream of cigs and coffee
somewhere with an ocean view front
on my porch, computer in hand
maybe paintbrush
and content with my selfish moment
in my imagined life.

The coward acts of love

It wasn’t before or after that I felt myself fall. But it was in between. In between everything that sprang from memory and everything the grabbed at my heart in the countless “good times”. I found myself dangling in everything that had brought me to a rash decision and all of my disappointments. My heart entangled itself inside my chest and I puffed air and imagined scenarios. Living in the present moment, I feel almost defeated. That my shameless and adventurous love was unrequited. Unrequited and later abused.
As If I was running in a silly folly, chasing my dreams around the world. To find you there. Waiting for me with flowers in your hands. A kiss on the cheek. A warm and bashful heart. And maybe as confused intentions as mine. But I set the pace by silence, I dwelled in my thoughts on the past and the future. I took for granted the time here and finally I decided I was done.
Mistake of silence? The best decision? After months of thinking and years of dreaming…it became very clear. My cowardice has been met by cowardice and turned into misunderstanding and fear. Everything is personal, everything works against and for me. As we fly through years totally in love, out of love, just love, and find ourselves in this moment…..
I sit down, lips sealed, writing my every confession….as if the wind could carry it to your ears. I felt madly in love with you, more than the love I put on, and as time fades and my heart speaks a little softer, questioning the best decision of silence…my lips part ways.
Whisper half truths, and pray for your understanding. While cowardly I dream of lives with you but not together. I have given up this wild goose chase of love I felt for you. This wild adventure to be with you, to see where my silence and yours could take us. RISK, they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained…but also nothing lost.
Perhaps my greatest regret…would be believing you’d understand.

The outskirts of Istanbul on the way to Sile (Black Sea Region).

Ok, so you have seen pictures of the blue mosque, Sultanahmet, and Taksim. The pictures that scream city center and tourism. But there’s more to Istanbul than the endless skyscrapers, great party life, mixed with a touch of ancient enthusiasm. Rather, Istanbul is a mixture of climates, lifestyles, and a true merger between East and West. This little video properly depicts what Istanbul is like outside the city center. It’s ideal for a first-time introduction.




More than anything....Please Notice the SKY.

A Play on Words

Unsurpassable depths
Unsurpassable depths to where I go
Following with mind, spirit, soul
Blindlessly leading
In the moment
To somewhere
Somewhere magical, spiritual, generously lavish
Decorated with sweat, sex, esteem, beautiful lips
Traveling by deathless glory, endless roads
But with sequencing silver spoons
Situated in the middle
Like rows of candy drops on a child’s tongue
I’m climbing, squeezing against the hard metal
For freedom, for circular wonders
To the clouds, sun, sky, to space- to reach
To ascend above, hovering around the world
Bird’s eye view of mistakes, of love, of true and burning passions
Endless roads is where I go, continuous journey- by choice
In the moment, gripping the spoon’s synthetic end
Countless sallow circular metal depths
A fantasy-surreal, cunning glee
A breeze of life, of true desire
Sensations tickle my toes, spread my legs, and breathe anticipation
Selfishly traveling to mountainous depths
With fire

789 342 6743 Call Me XO

I feel myself a certain aniexty
between the desire of my heart
my body
my mind
like forbidden fruit
I ponder endless possbilities
between me and you
Like a tiger
on the prowell
I feel myself guilty
of the deepest fantasies
free
Its free to roam
from dark places- to kitchen-to lights
its endless desire
endless love
and endless dance
beyond me
I sit in hot anticıpation
as my thoughts dance around endless possbilites
of me and you
and we lay
unbeknownst
to the fire that lies inside me
like a flame from self fulflled desires
places in dreams by you
and you are
so much of my mystery
like I am
so much of yours.

Tragic Love

There is one in my life
who I have loved for so long
loved, cried for, longed for, anguished over
and meddled in sweet dreams with
held tight as his blond hair wraps itself around my finger
there is nothing
nothing that could eloquently explain this
what we have is beyond language
beyond understanding
just tragic of sorts
for I love him as a whole
as a beautiful whole
with nothing untainted, nothing unexposed, nothing unsaid
I lay naked right in front of him
my heart on his table
my mind on his spoon
my body in his bed
and he consumes my every confession
five years of this in the making
summers, nights, weeks, months,
of love
floating between time, space, and distance
there is no way to describe this tragic love
but an instant in the moment when you look into my eyes
as they lay upon his
or the tears gently falling as we repeat our goodbyes
touched in disbelief
and the hopes and bitter reality of my expectations
and his
rather right or wrong
it is
naked reality, naked truth
handling itself most elegantly
in a bed full of love and broken dreams
there's only one man I love like this
and ever will

He

He beacons me to grow to my full potential
in exchange for loving him
while conditionally he speaks
in strange tongues
asking me if I would drop everything and follow him
in his eyes I am a business women
in his eyes, he will help me grow
just follow him and my full-potential will be
amidst dreams unfulfilled in reality
but flourishing in dreams
he tidies me with what ifs
and begs me for loyalty
but as my body years for his touch
I understand him in ways I wish I didn't
my mind, my soul, my heart says "don't"
There is no trust in me for him
no real understanding of his full extent
such a dark heart, such a heart unfamiliar to mine
such kind words spoken
and my wanderings;insecure in my future
always people tell me the clock is ticking
don't wonder aimlessly...while the clock for love is ticking
I fear you will become an old women: alone
tainted after so many lost loves
but back to... back to present moments
back to reality as I lay and type
he beacons me to reach my full potential with him
and I reject such notions- on fear on distrust on feelings to deep to describe
feeling lost,
I just want this moment
him here
me there
his hand resting gently on my ass
and me- staring blank into space,
breast cupped between the pillows
and his stanch stance bellows
in this moment
there is nothing but lust, nothing but comfort
nothing but him, I, and fact
I've become intoxicated with these moments
if love could be like these moments
I would embrace it like the warmth from the sun
and breath it in like the aroma of roses
But, I want to reach my full potential
where he fits
it's unknown
I leave that to fate.

Inspiration

Anytime I feel INSPIRATION
I find myself here
typing, wondering, lingering at my board
dream unfulfilled
like rain drops from an empty pool
fooling, pulling it's resources
dividing it equally
until every rain drops feel proud, whole of what was available
proud and whole as possible
it bounces with hopeless dreams from one pool to the next
foolishly running
without head
without palm
just legs sitting at a pew
It finds itself...lost within dreams, sweeter than now
as it lays incomplete, from which it's dreams
formed
finding reality...as much as the next
and concessions to what is real and what is dreamed
as this raindrop
I find myself
barley whole, barley new, barley beyond realization
that during these brief and bitter moments
of inspiration
I fill into the beauty of dreams
fill up...like powder milk and cheese
I dream and hope
observe and hope
and finally lay awake fantasizing
of things that make me happy.